Chapter 61
Chapter 61: Sutton
Lucas left before sunrise the next morning. It had been harder than I expected to wake up without him. I’d gotten pretty attached to having him next to me. The worry that I’d done something wrong didn’t help. He had tried to push past yet another ruined moment and act like everything was okay, but knew it wasn’t.
“Hello, earth to Sutton…” Tarah’s voice broke through my thoughts. “You’re going to make yourself bleed if you keep chewing your lip that hard. What’s up with you today, sweetie?”
Tarrah had come back to the creek with me today. I wanted to get better at connecting with Nova and she had been such a big help the day before. Plus, Lucas had said I shouldn’t go anywhere outside the packhouse alone.
But I wasn’t having much luck talking to Nova. I could feel her. That connection seemed to be getting stronger but she wasn’t speaking to me today. Not like she had been yesterday. It almost felt like she was avoiding me too. Like I suspected Lucas was as well.
I sighed, falling back against the log. “I’m just distracted,” I told Tarrah.
“Oh, yeah, big night with that gorgeous mate of yours go well last night?” she teased, elbowing me.
“It was… nice,” I replied but not very convincingly.
“Um… okay, that’s not what I expected to hear,” Tarrah said, shifting so she could face me. “What’s up, honey? Is everything okay?”
“I… I don’t know,” I admitted. “I think Lucas is disappointed with me.”
Tarrah sat up straighter. “Hold on… what are you talking about? There’s no way that’s true, Sutton. I’ve seen how he looks at you.”
“How he looked at me, maybe,” I pouted. I felt Nova tickle at the edge of my consciousness but she pulled away as soon as I acknowledged her. “I keep ruining things.”
“Honey, I find that hard to believe so you’ve got to give me a little more to go on here,” Tarrah said. “You gotta tell me what happened.”
I covered my face with a groan. Forcing my fingers through my hair, I decided it was time to talk to someone. Before I really ruined everything. I took a deep breath to muster up the courage.
“Lucas and I haven’t actually… been together,” I hinted, feeling my face flush. “You know…”
“Wait… whoa… what? Huh?” Tarrah scooted up onto her knees. “I mean, how is that possible? When Denny and I first got together, we couldn’t stop ourselves. Most mates are that way. I never would have guessed Lucas would be…”
“It’s not him,” I blurted out. “It’s me, Tarrah. I’m the problem. And I don’t know how much longer he
“Hey…” she grabbed my hands. “Lucas Danvers isn’t going anywhere.”
I gave her a look.
can take it.”
“Okay, well, I mean he’s not leaving you,” she corrected. “Ever. But there’s something obviously bothering you. So, spill.”
I swallowed. “You know about… the beatings,” I began. “What Mason did to me… Well, that wasn’t…”
“Sutton… did he assault you?”
I shut my eyes as I winced, not wanting to see the way she saw me change.
“I want to be with Lucas, Tarrah,” I insisted. “In every way. And I’ve tried. It’s been more than amazing until…”
“Until…?”
“Until my stupid brain ruins it,” I stated, “Or we get interrupted. Then my utter relief and embarrassment ruin it.”
“What do you mean relief? Are you scared of Lucas?”
“No, no, of course not,” I said. “But it… it brings up memories. Or at least, I’m afraid it will. It has before. They hurt and I can’t go through with it. And now, every time we get close… whenever we’re together and things start heading in that direction… I almost freeze. Because I know the memories will probably come back and I’ll panic. So, I stop and I can’t do it. I can’t be with him. And that’s not fair to Lucas. And now I think… What if I can’t give him what he needs, Tarrah?”
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3:41 PM
Chapter 61
“Okay, first, I want to make something clear, something that I am sure Lucas would say second, he knows you’re still healing, Sutton. He knows that will take time.”
“I know, but…”
“No, no buts, Sutton,” she insisted. “If this is bothering you this much, then talk to him.”
I shook my head. “I have a little but I… I just can’t again.”
“Why not?”
–
all he needs is you. Safe and happy,” Tarrah replied. “And
“I’ve been trying so hard to move on, Tarrah,” I said. “I’ve been working so hard to find the person I used to be. But the more I talk to him about this, the more he’s going to see me as… a victim.”
Her brow furrowed and she made a face like I was being ridiculous.
“Sutton, you are a victim.”
“Tarrah…” My shoulders fell and I felt like the wind got taken out of me.
She rested a hand on my arm. “Listen, Sutton, you are a victim. But you need to stop thinking that’s something to be embarrassed or ashamed about. All that word means is that someone did something terrible to you. You being a victim says absolutely nothing about you or your character. Only Mason. Only the people who did those things to you. It reminds us that there are bad people in this world but you overcame them.”
What she was saying made sense but I still couldn’t reconcile with it.
“Look, honey, I know I just said that’s what you are,” Tarrah continued. “And by definition, that’s the truth. But no one, ESPECIALLY Lucas, looks at you and thinks that. Even knowing what you’ve been through. So, if it’s that word that bothers you that makes you feel some kind of shame that you shouldn’t then don’t identify with it. You were victimized but you’re not a victim. You’re a survivor.”
–
–
I felt Nova move to the front of my mind, entering my consciousness just on the edge where I couldn’t see her.
‘She’s right, Sutton.’
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